WELL, THAT WAS NICELY HANDLED.

Ha, so obviously the new layout did absolutely nothing to motivate me to review books. But, perhaps a new site will give me that final push!

That's right, new blog, new books, similar layout. Because I am lazy and cheap, similar reviews will be posted on GoodReads (which is seriously amazing, get on it) and my readerly livejournal. I might even cross over to WordPress. Oh, crap.

Since I know you were wondering why this blog is virtually non-existent. All zero people who read this blog. YES.

BRAND NEW COLONY

This new layout will hopefully pave way for new reviews! YAY!

BREAKING DAWN - STEPHENIE MEYER (REMIXED!)

A slightly more serious review.**

You know how in the paper for the movie reviews they have that little man who represents how you would feel if you went to the movie? The best is when he's standing up in his chair and clapping the crap out of himself; great is when he just stands and claps; average is when he sits and claps; slightly-boring is when he sits; then he falls asleep, which means the movie is either really quiet OR REALLY FUCKING BORING.
Then, one day, I saw an empty chair.*
Breaking Dawn was, is, and always will be an Empty Chair Book.
But I'll give it one star because it did lead to some very insightful discussions about vampires and how EXACTLY they make babies.

ATTACK OF THE MUTANT SPERM!!!!!!!



lol sex. :3
Also, there was a complete lack of GAY in all of these books. WHAT KIND OF 'NOVEL' IS THIS?!!?!
I think I've been reading too much slash.

SIRIUS/REMUS 4EVER!!!!!!1

*I think it wsa for that movie wiht Jesica Simpson. Figures.
**I just wrote a new one on GoodReads, which is quite dandy, thank you Medeia who I have actually never really spoken to or met but I feel closer to you already. GO TEAM.

PAPER TOWNS - JOHN GREEN

Note: Picture coming soon...
Second Note: I got Sad Margo. Figures. What 'bout choo? <---trying to soun dlike Stan lol***

I feel kind of cheap posting the same reviews on GoodReads. o___O

Honestly, though, I think this is John Green's best. I read Looking for Alaska and was fucking sobbing, I read An Abundance of Katherines and was actually snorting with laughter.
But then I read Paper Towns.
I laughed, I cried, I fell in love.*
Similar to his other books, Paper Towns has a quirky (and often lovably-nerdy) male protagonist, an equally if not more so strong female counterpart (see? not sexist.), and an addictive plot that keeps you hooked up to and past the last page. It has crazy people, boring people, and people who left normal behind a long, long time ago --for better or for worse.
As John Green said in his video, this book is about how we create ideas of what we think people are or should be, and how if we look just a little past our expectations and supposed perfection, we can see the reality of the picture and know that what we love and what we wanted to love are two very, very different things.
...from GoodReads...**
Quentin is searching for Margo Roth Spiegelman. Or, more accurately, his idea of Margo Roth Spiegelman. Margo, however (writing Margo Roth Spiegelman over and over is very tiring!), has recognised that the way they see each other is far from realistic; they've both created unattainable images of perfection, which, in a way, they keep hoping will be true.Complete with Omnictionary, catfish, breaking, entering, and quite literally tons of awesome, Paper Towns just might be that one book you want to take with you to that desert island you happen to be relocating to
*I also realised that I have this problem where I always fall in love with fictional characters and not, um, real people. Read: Margo Roth Spiegelman, Desdemona (I spent the entire 7th grade coming up with Tridecalogisms. No. Fucking. Joke. And, um, Charlie Eppes. :3)
**In my defence I have a migraine that hurts like being repeatedly punched in the same tender spot again and again except IN MY BRAIN. FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK.
***lolololololololololol that word makes me crack up.

THE WOLVES IN THE WALL - NEIL GAIMAN

Goodreads aka my life describes The Wolves in the Walls as 'terrifying'. I am frightened very, very, VERY easily (read: orcs. x___X) and this book was in no way horrific. However, I suppose it qualifies as a 'picture book' and is supposedly geared towards 5 year olds (maybe...?) and I supose they might be slightly frightened.
Just a little.
Honestly, how scared can you be when you have a pig-puppet by your side.
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU CAN'T BE. Having a pig-puppet makes you like Peter Petrelli and you end up soaking up all the fearless power the pig-puppet exudes.
I am being completely serious. <--- not sarcasm. SIRIUSLY.*
"If the wolves come out of the walls, it's all over." But when the people come out of the walls, IT'S EVEN MORE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I got lead posioning from my face paint. I slightly resemble chessboard!barbie from A Game of You. Go me.

*This is honestly never going to stop being funny.

THE BONESETTER'S DAUGHTER

The Bonesetter's Daughter is about Ruth and her relationship wither her mother and her past and her mother's (and mother's family's) past. The book is very dramatic, but not in a fake way; LuLing (Ruth's mother) has a very big personality, but it's still believable (unlike, I believe, he opera). LuLing's 'guardian', Precious Auntie, pushes the envelope between fantasy and fiction, but LuLing and Ruth's response to Precious Auntie make it real.
The Bonesetter's Daughter has been made into an opera, and while opera is appealing to some people, I'm not a really big fan. The plot of the opera veers so far from the plot of the book, that it was almost a sort of Alternate Universe performance with the same characters. The book is about family, history, acceptance, change, and love, but all set in a believable context. The opera was drama! and pain! and not to much joy. While there is plenty of pain and sorrow in the book, it has resolution. In the end, the daughter is able to understand the mother, and they are able to reconcile and reflect. While the opera does show conflict, it has a more fantastical resolution that doesn't give the same effect as the novel.
I was not a very big fan of this book and don't really feel like putting a lot of effort into the review.
Suck it.

ps pica l8r i r 2 lazy nowz. <-----Oh my god that was so painful to write. The punctuation made it less...painful. o.O

Breaking Dawn - Stephenie Meyer

That's the title, right?

Seriously, I wasn't sure.

After acknowledging that everyone else is trashing burning slamming altogether now COMPLETELY ANNIHILATING THIS BOOK AND EVERYTHING IT STANDS FOR, I counteract with one sentence.

How would you feel if your husband bit the baby out of your stomach?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

P.S. OMFGSUPERNATURALSPAZ

Excuse me, I sneezled.